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Ok so I was thinking about Nintendo in my cab this morning and was remembering the good ole’ Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt classic. Then I remembered the Zapper.
Then I was all “how many other games used the Zapper?” The answer is not that many. I remember buying Gotcha! The Sport! which was a really poor attempt at trying to make a paintball game.

Attention game designers: This is paintball - not an Archie comic.
The game play was as follows.

riveting gameplay
I barely made it past the first few levels. Now granted, I was what? eight years old? So I was a pretty shitty gamer but still it didn’t hold my attention. Maybe the jaw dropping graphics were too much for me to handle.

hands up bitch my water is square
Other games utilizing the Zapper included
Did anyone play these? Apparently Wild Gunman was quite popular but I don’t remember ANY of my friends having it. More importantly did you ever wonder how these fuckers worked? It’s painfully simple. Here’s what StraightDope had to say on the matter using Duck Hunt as an example:
“Here’s what happens. You shoot at a duck, which appears on an ordinary TV screen. The gun is connected to the game console; pressing the trigger blackens the screen, then causes a duck-shaped white target to appear momentarily. If your aim is true, a photo sensor in the gun detects the shift from dark to light, and bingo–dead duck. In short, the TV emits the light pulse and the gun detects it, not the other way around.”

mind melting
Then I got into this G hole on the topic. What’s a G hole? It’s like a K hole but you substitute the Ketamine with Google.

God I hate America for not allowing this kind of crap. ITS A FUCKING REVOLVER. Then when I realized that I sucked at Duck Hunt I began to remember other guns for later gaming systems.

Remember this bullshit?
The SNES Super Scope was a piece of shit. I remember a friend of mine having to buy three of them. I think also the release of this product marked the end of anything truly violent for Nintendo. Battlescope? That’s a joke right? Ok now i’m really going to blow your fucking minds. GIVE ME THE SEGA MENACER

FINALLY A REAL WEAPON
Ok to even use either of these fuckers you needed an infrared receiver lined up above your tv. To make things easier, each required a billion AA batteries. Nuisances aside THE MENACER was AWESOME. However the best game required the SEGA CD.

Oh hai

sup McCree? remember me?
Look I know it says Phillips CD-I on the McCree cover… SEGA CD COVERS ARE HARD TO COME BY ON THE NET. After this point, shit just got ridiculous. HAVE YOU PLAYED TIME CRISIS?

THE GUNS HAVE RECOIL
Fuckit I’m not even going to finish this. I’m going to that arcade on Mulberry in Chinatown.
Wow. I’ve always wanted to know what all those hand signals meant. In my younger years this could’ve been helpful while trying to:
obviously guns are necessary for all of the above scenarios
I am a terrible fisherman. I’ve caught one fish in my entire life – probably because I can’t stand touching them. SO THIS IS RIGHT UP MY ALLEY. Why deal with a sharp hook, a gross worm, some lame flexy bendy stick WHEN YOU CAN SHOOT THESE FUCKERS THROUGH THE HEART. Jacques Cousteau could not be reached for comment.
In Mr. Oizo’s latest masterwork of adorable, yellow, slightly overweight and very well articulated puppetry, Flat Eric rides a scooter through the trees, and then he doesn’t. And then we find out what Pharrell has been up to since guesting on The Blueprint 3. I guess the new N.E.R.D. album isn’t coming together quite fast enough?
I kind of love this, but seriously, when he pushes play WHERE IS THE JAM OIZO?? NYmag posted this quoting Oizo about the video: “this short film has NOTHING TO SELL, I just did it for NO REASON.” Ugh fine. Let me just say I would prefer it if you were lying.
Side note: NYmag also said that you would also remember Flat Eric from the “Levi’s” ads. Where the fuck were you in 1999! Probably watching the matrix, you posers.
Though I really like the ones in the distance that look like elephants. Watch this whole thing btw, you keep thinking that nothing more can possibly happen, and then the cars start walking and Escher takes a swing at the whole thing…it’s a mess. A beautiful beautiful mess.
Apologies for the lack of programming in the last week. SOTI was experiencing some un-technical difficulties.
I’ve always wanted to go shooting guns at a range with a dude like this who could show me how it’s done and also tell me about the coming singularity… or some other uprising. IF YOU HAVE THIS MANY GUNS PLEASE CONTACT US. WE WOULD LOVE TO GO SHOOTING WITH YOU.
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