Step 1: Be a terrible teen musician

Step 2: Have your family also be terrible at everything

Step 3: Form a band with everything that’s terrible in your life

Step 4: Go on CBS’ Early Show’s Singing Family Faceoff Competition

Step 5: Take your thinly veiled conservatism to the masses with this audible bile

Step 6: Puberty

Step 7: Never get laid

Step: 8: Realize that you can’t until you’re married anyway

Step 9: Pills

Step 10:

click to enlarge

click to enlarge

Le Zapper

Then I was all “how many other games used the Zapper?”  The answer is not that many.  I remember buying Gotcha! The Sport! which was a really poor attempt at trying to make a paintball game.

Attention game designers: This is paintball - not an Archie comic.

The game play was as follows.

• Screen moves on its own panning from right to left.
• Things pop out.
• You have to shoot them.
• IN A VARIETY OF ENVIRONMENTS

riveting gameplay

I barely made it past the first few levels.  Now granted, I was what? eight years old?  So I was a pretty shitty gamer but still it didn’t hold my attention.  Maybe the jaw dropping graphics were too much for me to handle.

hands up bitch my water is square

Other games utilizing the Zapper included

• The Adventures of Bayou Billy (gun optional)
• Baby Boomer (unlicensed) (gun optional)
• Barker Bill’s Trick Shooting
• Chiller (unlicensed) (gun optional)
• Duck Hunt
• Freedom Force
• Gumshoe
• Hogan’s Alley
• Laser Invasion
• The Lone Ranger (gun optional)
• Mechanized Attack
• Operation Wolf (gun optional)
• Shooting Range (requires gun and controller)
• To The Earth
• Wild Gunman

Did anyone play these?  Apparently Wild Gunman was quite popular but I don’t remember ANY of my friends having it.  More importantly did you ever wonder how these fuckers worked?  It’s painfully simple.  Here’s what StraightDope had to say on the matter using Duck Hunt as an example:

“Here’s what happens. You shoot at a duck, which appears on an ordinary TV screen. The gun is connected to the game console; pressing the trigger blackens the screen, then causes a duck-shaped white target to appear momentarily. If your aim is true, a photo sensor in the gun detects the shift from dark to light, and bingo–dead duck. In short, the TV emits the light pulse and the gun detects it, not the other way around.”

mind melting

Then I got into this G hole on the topic.  What’s a G hole?  It’s like a K hole but you substitute the Ketamine with Google.

Did you guys know that THIS FUCKING EXISTED IN JAPAN?

God I hate America for not allowing this kind of crap.  ITS A FUCKING REVOLVER.  Then when I realized that I sucked at Duck Hunt I began to remember other guns for later gaming systems.

Remember this bullshit?

The SNES Super Scope was a piece of shit.  I remember a friend of mine having to buy three of them.  I think also the release of this product marked the end of anything truly violent for Nintendo.  Battlescope?  That’s a joke right?  Ok now i’m really going to blow your fucking minds.  GIVE ME THE SEGA MENACER

FINALLY A REAL WEAPON

Ok to even use either of these fuckers you needed an infrared receiver lined up above your tv.  To make things easier, each required a billion AA batteries.  Nuisances aside THE MENACER was AWESOME.  However the best game required the SEGA CD.

Oh hai

sup McCree? remember me?

Look I know it says Phillips CD-I on the McCree cover…  SEGA CD COVERS ARE HARD TO COME BY ON THE NET.  After this point, shit just got ridiculous.  HAVE YOU PLAYED TIME CRISIS?

THE GUNS HAVE RECOIL

Fuckit I’m not even going to finish this.  I’m going to that arcade on Mulberry in Chinatown.