MORE MAN THAN YOU CAN HANDLE

Click to enlarge.

Actually, after re-reading this, I’m not entirely sure that there’s not a sophisticated cyborg operating the other end of this. Using its synthesized emotions to toy with mine and lulling me into an all too common organic sense of camaraderie and security. I must remain vigilant. If you’ll excuse me, I think “Jolie” is going to be getting a house call from Dr. James, Humanologist and Bounty Hunter.

This essay was written by an 8th grader in Pittsburgh in the spring of
2004. The assignment was to pick an enangered species, and explain why
it's important to save it. The typos and formatting are preserved from
the original.

	    Richard XXXXXXXX Draft 2

        I shouldn't do shit. I don't care about them they all
could die and it won't affect my life. I know a lot about them
but I don't need to think about them. They're just a waste of
time koalas are stupid they don't help me with shit so why
should I help them. If they all die there will be more room for
the panthers and all the other hard animals. Koalas are weak a
pit will get rid of their whole fucking family. That's why I
don't like koalas.
      Koalas have sharp claws but they are weak. They all small
and fat and they be climing trees. I hope a storm just come
while theyjust chilling up in the tree thinking they is hard and
they're will all just fall off. They just break they neck and
shit. When they fall they claws are going to fall off and they
going to be crying like some little bitches.
      Koalas aren't hard they some little bitches. They start
climbing up the tree soon as they see a deer from like 50feet
away. They stupid as hell they should put their brain in their
pouch and put the kid in they ten they're be able to think
better. They try to be in the fucking kangaroo family. They weak
as hell, talking bout they got a pouch a kangaroo so they their
cousins and shit. Kangaroo's have some big ass legs and whot do
a koala got? Some little ass legs, they tails is little and weak
as fuck kangaroo's got a big ass long tail that can kill a
fucking koala.
        If a koala goes in the water it won't be able to breathe
with its little short ass. It'd fucking drown soon aas it take
one step into the water. While they at the river trying to get
something to drink a bear could just come to him and snatch its
ass up. It doesn't know protection because they don't have
protection. What they little ass going to do? It can't scratch
him. The bear will beat his fucking ass.
     The important think about koalas is that just don't care
about tem and let them die by all the other animals in
Australia. They're not important just let nature do what it do
and kill them. Koalas do not have a place in this world there's
not enough room for all the bitches in this world. So let all
the koalas that's in the zoos and shit. Let them go and put them
back with their family. If you let them all go they won't
nothing except for that's what they was put in this world for.
        Now you know why koalas aren't important. They have
nothing to do except for sitting around in the trees. It's like
they just was like they was sent have to die. Koalas don't do
nothing to help anybody. Thre would be just one more relative of
the kangaroo that will be six feet under. Now you know why
koalas are not important because there are dumb.

speaking of the NJ experience fallout…

so i spent all of the next day slowly dying of liver failure and cerebral hemorrhage on carter’s couch. it was brutal, robin came over. i missed two trains because i got wrapped up in t2. finally though at around 10 i got my ass off the couch and on a train to ct to try to recover from the weekend’s activities (especially the one’s i don’t remember). so i’m on the train back, trying to hold back vomit and my parents keep calling me to ask where i am. i’m like, does it matter, you’re going to bed and i have keys. they keep calling and are getting progressively drunker. my mom, by the end was slurring her words and just hung up on me i think because she couldn’t hold the phone anymore. 

finally, i’m pulling into the station before greenwich and i hatch a genius plan: to eat the pot brownie in my bag and then watch iron man on demand. sick, i say to myself. so i eat the brownie and pack up my shit and no sooner do i stand up as we’re pulling into greenwich than my dad calls me wasted asking where i am (again). i tell him i’m pulling into the station and i’ll walk home. he insists on picking me up (wasted). i’m like….fuck. so he’s coming to get me and i’m waiting there for like 20 minutes (we live a 10 minute WALK from the station) and i’m thinking to myself, I just killed my dad indirectly. great. but lo and behold he pulls up and gives me this look. and i’m like oh god, he found drugs in the shit i left there. so i get in the car and try to make small talk but he’s not saying much. and i’m starting to get high. and this is not going well. as we pull up to the house he’s just like, hang out for a bit i want to talk. we go into the house and he pours two glasses of wine. 

i tell him i don’t want wine, and he pours my glass into his and then hands me a beer. and he says again he wants to talk. it occurs to me at this point that he’s COMPLETELY SHIT FUCKING WASTED and wants to have a father son life chat. which is fine, i love getting drunk with my dad late into the night and waxing philosophical, only he’s NOT USING VERBS OR ADJECTIVES. he’s speaking entirely in nouns with noises and looooooooooooooooong spaces in between. like spaces so long i could have gotten up and made myself a quesadilla and sat back down before he got to the point. except, now, he’s got me in his spell and he’s intimating heavy shit if not talking about it directly and i just keep getting higher and higher and there seems to be no escape. i’m so fucking stoned and my dad is shit fucking wasted and neither of us are communicating and oh my god i think this is hell. finally, after in the neighborhood of an hour of this nonsense i finally excuse myself to bed. 

he remembers none of what we talked about. 

sigh.