Sons Of The Internet

Easily one of the most sampled songs of all time. I believe this was also the inception of “So Step Up If You Wanna Get Hurt.”

Instead of talking about the serious implications this case has in the realm of jurisprudence, I’m going to make a bunch of silly jokes.

- Obama’s Council on National Fitness blocks sentence, laying the groundwork for chubby-chasing to be a federal crime punishable by death. The next step in the socialist agenda?
- Fat Bitch must be Mobbed Up! The Teflon Whale strikes again!
- Idiots take up valuable time in court, released back into the wild for further study.
- Reverence for tragedy dulled over time by lack of surprise.
- Steak and Shake named responsible in string of Cleveland area deaths associated with obesity.
- Precedence set by Cleveland courts create a new kind of gang violence, Sitting.
- “Sitting” related crime causes a scarcity of thin people in Cleveland
- Cleveland a ghost town after fat gangsters eat all the food, subsequently die of heart disease.

Oooook that’s enough to stave off the depressing image of our national identity for now. If you want to get in on this, start in the comments section. If you think I’m being inappropriate I should direct you to call our toll free number.

So apparently, this italian nutjob with unlimited access to a crazy soundstage made up a song with gibberish to sound like American English…and it kinda does. I guess I’ve never thought about what english sounds like to anyone who doesn’t understand it. Is this why we just get louder when talking to foreigners? I mean, it sounds like you should be able to understand us right? RIGHT? RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT?

Has anyone seen the first Twilight movie? It was awful. Like, so awful that I felt robbed for TORRENTING it (don’t ask, I was bored and left alone one night. Moral of the story: I need adult supervision at all times). The only redeeming quality was the fact that apparently the entire production staff had no idea what a cinematographer was, and so they let him/her do pretty much whatever they wanted. The result? A gorgeously over-saturated lushy green and grey paradise that didn’t fit anything else having to do with the movie. It’s like the cinematographer took it upon themselves to make this movie pretty like King Richard took it upon himself to conquer the shit out of the middle east. Now, that being said, it was still the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I can hear you dear reader, “ha ha, there’s no way that’s possible, haven’t you seen The Proposal, or The Net, or even Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous?” Shut up. Shut up dear reader, and also why do you hate Sandra Bullock so much? Actually, that was just my imagination of your hypothetical refusal to believe me, so I guess….Why do I hate Sandra Bullock so much? Oh yeah, cause she’s intolerable to watch.

Wait, I’m getting off topic. I would watch a youtube mash up of The Net and BOTH Miss Congeniality’s cobbled together by a 14 year old, tracked exclusively to Nickelback and interspersed with stills of Miley Cyrus, rather than once again sit through the scene where that FUCKING HAIRDO explains that VAMPIRES ARE SPARKLY. GOD DAMMIT.

Anyway, this has all been a preamble to this video. New Moon in one minute.

Thanks to ZZZLLL for posting this originally and Risa for reminding me how funny it is.

This is actually a famous story done with some really killer animation. The story of Dock Ellis pitching a no-hitter while flying off his tits on acid. I have very little else to say on the subject, though, props to The Risa who sent this my way.

Ok, so that thing about driving to an arby’s was a lie also, and he didn’t check it anyway so once again I’m talking to myself. And you, dear reader, mustn’t forget about you.

What we did do, was rent a 30 person party bus, drive it to New Jersey and go to Medieval times, then drive it back and go to Donnybrook. This was fucking epic. Pictures and Video (!) to follow. What I didn’t get on video was that during the birthday announcements Robin and Kosuke got the Lord Chamberlain to say “And all the wenches who find themselves smitten with the essence of Matschullat Thunderbox”

It was the greatest night ever.

Some days, I don’t know what the point of being alive anymore is. I mean, other than stumbling upon or being sent something on the internet and then duly reblogging/reposting those items that catch my fancy. Hours a day are spent absent mindedly-snaking my way through the internet like a pipe-cleaner in a pipe that will not, for the love of god, just stay clean so I can get on with my life….maybe make some friends? Go out to dinner? SEE THE SUN?

Anyway, the internet has pretty much become akin to an electron cloud (fig1), wherein the points mapped are not probability but actual transmission. Actually there’s probably a math god somewhere who has an accurate algorithm for measu – i haven’t read xkcd.com lately. I’ll go check that right now. Here, look at this.

(fig.1)
Electron Cloud

Hahahah, ah xkcd. You never fail to hit my nerdy funnybone. Oh, what’s that? Oh yeah, ok here’s a good one.

xkcd.com

Oh but what I wanted to tell you about was Succeedblog. Which is like GMH to FML for FailBlog

ok, you up to speed? Now, SucceedBlog is kind of annoying in that optimistic internet way. Which is funny because internet savvy is always equated to a general sense of misanthropy thanks mostly in part to the misanthropists of Anonymous and the 4/7chan mafia. But they are the silent arbiters of the intarweb and I beseech them to forgive me if I have spoken out of turn. Anyway, that aside, Suceedblog is annoying because I don’t care about watching people accomplish things, though now that I think about it, I will probably be able to out more robots for my Robots Today column by watching people to extraordinary things…

And this post has devolved into stream of consciousness. What did I want to say…?
AH YES.
Ghostbusters. Remember how I said that Rolcats was the weirdest meme I know of? Well, a little bit of trolling on Succeedblog and I’ve found something slightly weirder. Additionally, I think it may have already passed meme status and quietly coagulated to a proper subculture. (Side note: Another weird thing about the internet is that you can come crashing through the brush upon a species of gorilla that no one has ever seen before and be like “HOLY SHIT NEW GORILLAS!” and go all Jane Goodall on its ass. Then, you log immediately onto Facebook only to discover that 15 of your friends are Fans of it and someone just posted a picture of you, watching it. It blows.) Anyway, so multitracking is a trend I first discovered (yeah, like Columbus, he discovered America, you know) about 2 years ago, just as a simple tool to bypass expensive recording software for amateur musicians uploading their stuff to youtube. Now apparently, sometime either well before or after that, this became a thing.

Right? I mean, besides the overwhelmingly conflicted feelings I have over whether or not this guy needs to be rewarded for his nerd-street-cred in learning every part of the Ghostbusters theme song or dragged out into the sunlight and introduced to a real girl, there’s this insightful little comment below it.

I mean, I’m loath to read any youtube comments as I’m relatively certain the genuine stupidity can leap through the FUCKING SCREEN AND CRAWL INTO YOUR EYES….but that last little tidbit there…why…whatever could he mean? So I, being a good detective and ultimately your advocate dear reader, follow up.

I find:THIS
So many heads haven’t been seen since the days of the Hydra and Cerberus! My god! It’s a one man Barbershop Quartet! Anyway, so I guess this is a thing too. Couldn’t embed, but you get the picture. The internet has really opened our eyes to the people around us, insofar as it makes us aware of subcultures that should have remained in the subbasement. LIKE ONE MAN A CAPELLA. Sweet mercy. See below.

I DON’T THINK I NEED MENTION THAT THERE ARE A LOT OF THESE VIDEOS.

Thanks for sticking with me, dear reader, as we trolled the internet again, for more bullshit. In the meantime, let’s kick it old school with this video of the 2004 presidential election.

I hope this letter finds you well. I am currently sitting on my new Karlstad couch from Ikea, which cost less that my travel to and from New York last week. Ah New York, the city in which I never sleep. Because of the drugs, dear reader, because of the drugs. Now, I was going to use this letter as an excuse for why I haven’t been in contact, I know, I’ve been terribly remiss in our correspondence, but I’m not going to simply excuse myself after all. I was going to tell you about CMJ, embellishing greatly with scenes from Spielberg’s masterpiece Jurassic Park (which I might add is an apt analogue, when taken from the viewpoint of myself as one of the dinosaurs). I was going to tell you about my trip to Target, which resulted in me buying a toaster oven, and then attempting to photoshop myself into stills from The Bourne Identity. I was going to regale you about my sojourn to space, and meeting Jeff Goldblum there. I was going to run on about my trip to Nashville where I ended up in a poker game with Kenny Rogers, Ry Cooder and Death itself. I was going to tell all about about my encounter with Milton Friedman in a Starbucks where the service was just abysmal, so we went across the street and had Earl Grey tea and he told me how he faked his death because the Nobel Committee retains strict control over your life rights after you win. I was going to go on and on about the 3 days I spent at the bottom of a well, searching for answers, only to find myself in a dream state hotel room with a hooker and a baseball bat, no, wait, I’m not going to tell you about that. I was also going to tell you that I spend the last 2 days watching Fringe in bed, and it’s totally awesome.
But no, the time for petty excuses and the cheap dodging of responsibility is over. I will no longer shrink from the tough questions like a politician up to 2 years before an election, I will no longer hide like Tupac, JD Salinger and Steve Jobs when he drops a dress size, I will no longer cower like those 12 year olds I just pwned in Call of Duty. I will stand tall and say to my friends and peers, NO, this is not just a site for reposting funny things on the internet, NO, this is not just an outlet for masturbatory rambling, NO, this is not just a place that posts cool mp3s for free download so that we can try to up our traffic.

I SAY NO.
IT IS ALL OF THOSE THINGS.

Thank you and good day.