Sons Of The Internet

Ok, Japan, you’ve got two ways out of this one. Either you admit that you cheated evolution by accepting help from some benevolent alien society that visited Earth preceding WWI** or you’re Robots. I mean how else could you, a relatively small island nation, actually begin to take over large sections of the globe and assert your dominance as an international pow- note to self, investigate England for signs of Robots. Anyway, do you actually expect us to believe that you went from being a pre-industrial civilization for 7 CENTURIES to being a power player on the international stage in just 60 years? Wait…. Note to self, investigate US for signs of Robots. Wait, is it possible that Commodore Perry was in fact the Mastermold and Japan was colonized by Robots at the turn of the 19th century interrobang!? Either way, Japan, who suspiciously leads the world with desire for robot servants and has an unnatural obsession with giant city-destroying robots and robot sex and pretty much all things transforming, also has NINJA WARRIOR. Ninja Warrior, in case you aren’t familiar, is a show with a lot of crazy ass obstacle courses. And it’s not like American Gladiators, there aren’t pads and cages, there’s just a pool of muddy water under this cyclone of possible sprains and dislocations. Almost no one has ever finished the final stage, it’s a goddamn joke. It’s steel mountain covered in six inches of fresh pain. Remember Paul Hamm, that American super gymnast from the olympics with the crazy high pitched voice? Yeah, watch him get wrecked here. Then who’s the guy who comes up after him? A FISHERMAN. Japan, the case against you guys being robots is not good.

Ok so we’ve got that, but at least Makoto Nagano is pretending to be human, like a good Japanese person. Now if you watch more of this video, you realize that most of the people on it are menial workers. A gas station manager, a fireman, office dude etc. These are people who comprise the bulk of society. They are the kind of jobs a superhero takes when they want to keep a low-profile. So if we’re looking at the mean physical aptitude of Japanese society, WHAT IN GODS NAME IS THE UPPER ECHELON DOING. Space research? Time travelling crime fighting? OR, plotting the robot insurrection? Now, I’m not suggesting that Japan is NECESSARILY spearheading the secret robopocalypse (pronounced ro BOP ocalypse) but otherwise, what are they doing with all that physical talent? And why don’t they have an army? Oh, the self defense force established by the post-WWII constitution? Sounds pretty suspicious to me. If I had THIS GUY on my team, I’m not sure I’d let any piece of paper dictate my ability to defend freedom wherever I wanted.

Be afraid fellow Americans, be very afraid.

**
The Setting: Japan 1894
The Players: Japan and Aliens (not Ridley Scott aliens)

Aliens: Attention People of Earth, we are here to make grant your desires and improve your world with advanced technologies, artificial intelligences and tiny keychains! We offer you, UTOPIA!
Japan: Sweet. We’ll take it.
Aliens: Now, can you point us in the direction of other human societies so that we may seed this world with our benevolence?
Japan: Uh… no actually… we’re it.
Aliens: Seriously?
Japan: Yeah, we’re all the humans.
Aliens: Why do you live on this small island?
Japan: We like to fish and…beachfront property…major plus!
Aliens: There’s a fair point. Farewell Humanity, we hope that you may see the light!
Japan: Goodbye Aliens! Ok, cool, now let’s put this stuff in a secret lab so no one knows we have it and then go invade Russia and China! Sweet deal!

UPDATE:
So upon closer inspection, and actually paying attention this time, the robot destroying the course at the end of the second video is the same fishmongering robot that humiliated Paul Hamm in the top video. Now, how could someone feasibly go from being in what appears to be peak physical condition (at 134 lbs mind you) to being THAT MUCH MORE IN PEAK PHYSICAL CONDITION? Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Robo-Fisherman MARK II. That’s right A BRAND NEW MODEL. It’s the only reasonable explanation.