NANTUCKET SURVIVAL TACTICS: A FOUR DAY WEEKEND GUIDE TO THE ISLAND

So I returned from Nantucket a mere three weeks ago and am already jonesing to go back.  I thought it would help if I posted some tips about the island that only true locals know.  (AND TO GET EXCITED ABOUT MY UPCOMING RETURN TRIP!!!)

WHERE TO STAY:

The W Nantucket is the way to go.  Towering 68 grey-shingled stories above Monomoy – this hotel offers pretty much everything.  It’s roughly 700 a night but the rooms and views are totally worth it.

I snapped this photo from my room looking out onto my balcony.  You can see the gorgeous ocean in the background.  There are other options for staying but none with WiFi and Room Service.  You might as well camp.

GETTING AROUND:

I was worried about getting around but the subway on the island is amazingly efficient.  Getting from the airport to the hotel was really simple and each one way ride is only 8 dollars.  A small price to pay when you consider scooter rental is somewhere in the range of 300 bucks a day.

There are local taxi services but I’m pretty sure the number you’re dialing literally rings to the driver’s cell phone.  Steve’s Taxi?  Yeah ok – that’s Steve.  In a fucking van.  Legit?  I’d say not.  Stick to the subway.  You can cruise to the Sconset lighthouse in no time.  It’s also the only way to get to Tuckernuck island which was only previously reachable by airplane.  The outlet mall there has some amazing deals.

COOL STUFF TO DO:

Ok so for the most part you’ll probably be going to the beach with Fifi, Chadwick, Todd, and Amanda BUT when you do want to venture out on the town there’s a surprising amount of options from food to clubs to shopping to whatever.

After getting a good day drunk on – head to Nantucket Ice Cream on the wharf.  They’ve actually found a way to infuse Nantucket red clothing into their delicious ice cream.  I know that sounds a bit unsettling but don’t worry.  It’s a smooth mixture of strawberry and whale chum that’s got an oddly salty finish.  Make sure to order this in a milkshake.  They love it when you call them milkshakes and NOT “frapps” as they say on the cape.  Remember Nantucket prides itself on it’s isolationist culture so don’t make this mistake.

Done stuffing your face with sweets?  Then why not battle a fucking monster on a whaling charter?  Contrary to popular belief, whaling is still absolutely 100% legal in Nantucket.  Besides tourism, this is the islands ONLY form of a local economy.  The practice was banned for most of the 70s and the island nearly turned into a ghost town.  What was once only a privilege to locals with (very hard to come by!) licenses is now available to visitors (albeit quite pricey).  Check out the monster Jamie helped bring in.

A standard whaling charter will last about 8 hours.  If your battle with the sea seems to be going longer you can usually grease the captain with a few grand to stay out longer.  Otherwise they go right for the kill shot.

Remember it gets cold there in the late afternoons and evenings.  If you need ANYTHING clothingwise – skip Murrays Troggery Shop altogether and head straight west to Tuckernuck Island on the green-line.

Those familiar with the Hamptons will be happy to know that outlet mall giant Tanger has taken over a large chunk of the island preserve.  They’ve got everything there.  You really can’t go to Nantucket without at least taking a peak at some of the ridiculous deals.  Check out these sneakers I got at the Bose store.  They’re awesome at the beach.  400 second anti-skip memory!

Got your new duds?  Then grab a quick chowder and head to the line forming at Magillicutty’s speakeasy back room quaintly titled “Scooners”.

sign outside Magillicutty's

By day this restaurant serves up some of the best chowder you will undoubtedly ever have, but by night the back room opens up to one of the CRAZIEST CLUBS WE’VE EVER BEEN TO.

Luckily for us we got in after only a 3 hour wait (so fast!) and lost our tits to an incredible set by Etienne De Crecy.  I have no idea how they coax such insane talent to this club.  The lineup alone for the week we were there was nuts.  Everything from John Talabot to Sander Van Doorn!

When 8am hits and the Cutty Sark is gone you just crawl back to your oasis in the W Monomoy and repeat the whole thing 3 hours later.  Leave some comments with other Nantucket hotspots!  I’m headed back in December (primetime)!

BAND TO WATCH: SEAFOOD TOWER – SEAFOOD TOWER EP


“Art is hard,”

so said Tim Kasher on Cursive’s wonderful 2003 effort The Ugly Organ.  He’s right after all, I mean who are we to define the essence of a medium so varied – so quintessentially self-emotive.  But at the heart of art is emotion.  Feeling.

Seafood Tower’s self titled debut EP is an astounding accomplishment for a new artist.  Not since Springsteen’s audible existential crisis album Nebraska have we heard something so deeply rooted in beautiful angst and self-doubt.

Yet, there are two distinct differences that position Seafood Tower away from the obvious Nebraska comparisons:  the mega bombastic electro drum glitches and FM Synthesis squelches, and the fact that Seafood Tower is in fact an American Apparel Mannequin.

Oh did I mention the album is instrumental?  Seafood Tower creates it’s work by throwing itself on studio equipment repeatedly.  There’s no head.  Head begats mouth.  There are no vocals.

The name alone comes from a fall onto a keyboard programmed to take the first search result and immediately send out a press release.

Studio photo of Seafood Tower's first recording session

Seafood Tower will be hitting the road with Dan Deacon and A Place To Bury Strangers all through Ramadan so keep a look out.  I’ve been listening to Cursive longer than you have.  Do you even own Domestica?

Robots Among Us: Not Comcast

I was going to post this a long time ago. But I didn’t. But Carter’s little foray into online customer service with AT&T reminded me of my little tet a tet with Comcast upon moving into my new apartment. Also, it reminded me how hard I’m getting dicked by their pricing scheme. I don’t even understand what possible reason they would have to force me to get tv too.

Click to enlarge.

Actually, after re-reading this, I’m not entirely sure that there’s not a sophisticated cyborg operating the other end of this. Using its synthesized emotions to toy with mine and lulling me into an all too common organic sense of camaraderie and security. I must remain vigilant. If you’ll excuse me, I think “Jolie” is going to be getting a house call from Dr. James, Humanologist and Bounty Hunter.

EXCLUSIVE: DAMIEN HIRST ATTEMPTS TO CAPTURE LION FOR NEXT FORMALDEHYDE TANK THING. PROBLEMS PROBLEMS AND MORE PROBLEMS

MY LIVER: A REPRESENTATION

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The Best Email I’ve Received Since I Was Born (Alternate Title: The Best Email I’ve Received Since The Dawn Of Time)

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Stuck in a car with his parents driving to a family wedding in Vermont, a very close friend of ours wrote the following in an email:

ll be in VT this weekend at my cousin’s engagement party. Ill be with my parents so unfortunately it will be very difficult to bang her hot friends unless I carry out my business in the barn her father built with his bare hands.

After inquiring about said barn, we were sent this:

My uncle erected a barn. I’m driving up with my parents right now and my dad told me about the first time he met my moms family at the barn raising.

He went up to visit mum for the barn raising and found a huge crop field full of pot (maybe an acre), with a few rows of corn plants as cover running the perimeter. My grandmother thought they were just ‘weeds’ and shrugged it off. She was probably drunk.

There is little doubt that my uncle, now a well-regarded woodworker, inlay expert and published hand-plane authority, was a very successful pot dealer in middle VT when he was our age. He’s on his third wife. He is also missing part of his left ring finger. It is assumed that he chopped it off on a table saw while woodworking, while stoned.

Bravo…  Bravo.

EXCLUSIVE: Kosuke Drew Two Drawings – One Good – One Bad – Borna Wrote A Haiku

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EXCLUSIVE: FAILBLOG.ORG FINALLY POSTS SOMETHING FUNNY

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EXCLUSIVE: LEAKED FOOTAGE OF JAKE GYLLENHAAL IN PRINCE OF PERSIA

Finally!  Hollywood takes notice of my blog and his leaked me exclusive footage from the set of Jake Gyllenhaal’s new epic film “Prince Of Persia”