…And A Bag of Chips

Hello dear reader, sorry for the lack of updates in the last 2 days. Paul came over and I lost about 2 days of my life to Modern Warfare 2. BUT in much better news we’re having a party for Carter’s birthday tonight! It’s a surprise, but Carter has been so remiss in posting here, that I’m going to do what he did to me to him, follow? I’m going to reveal Carter’s birthday surprise on this blog, and then see if he checks it by 6pm today when we pick him up, SO:

At 6pm today we will pick up Carter outside his apartment in a stretch hummer, then drive to the airport where our good pal Chris has taken the liberty of getting us a Gulfstream that is going to fly us to fabulous KENNYBUNKPORT! Where we will have a fantastic dinner of fresh, seriously fresh, Maine lobster. Then since Carter wants to go home and see people, we will fly back to New York, drop him off, and then the rest of us are going to SANTA CRUZ for the weekend. Should be good times. Anyway, let’s see if Carter responds to that.

OK (did you know that OK is a sideways person? Shit blew. my. mind the other day)
OK so that was a lie. What we are actually doing is picking Carter up in a party van and driving him to an Arby’s about 3 hours upstate! We’re going to party all the way up, get some roast beef, and then party down! WOO! But someone needs to stay sober and drive and I say it now, not me, so when this comes up later I can say I already said not it.

Let’s see what happens. Also, I don’t have time now, but the last two days have shown me something, something that I want to share. COMING UP (probably tomorrow) 10 Reasons Why Modern Warfare 2 Is Better Than Sex, Cheese and Your Mom’s Homecooking.

Oh and just so you don’t think I shortchanged you on this post: Did you see Kristen Wiig’s impression of Natalie Merchant a couple weeks ago? Holy crap.

thank you again dear reader, for following along.

Posted by James on 20/11/2009 at 11.am

The Blueprint 3 (and other reasons why I want to hang out with Jay-Z)

You know, I’m a white kid.

I know, I know. Shocking. I have been told many times that due to the roughness of my prose and truncated sentence structure that I read more like a child from the inner city. Coupled with my innate lyricism and frequent use of the lexicon of “the streets” it might be easy to confuse suburban Whitey McWhiterson over here with someone with a little more ethnic panache. Like Jay-Z for instance. Are we so different?

I would like to cite The Blueprint 3. Yes, I know, through the first two Blueprints, Jay-Z was Ragged Dick and Struggling Upward, but now, on this album, Jay-Z has revolutionized hip-hop music. He has infused it with the one thing that it never managed to achieve.

Old-Rich-WhiteGuyness.

In one of the masterpieces on the record “Off That,” Mr. Carter claims to drive a hard-top saab, own a loft in tribeca (where the median sales price currently according to Trulia.com is around 2.5M, sitting a comfortable 1.5M above the median sales price for the rest of manhattan) and own Art. THIS IS OLD WHITE GUY RICH. I love old rich white guys. They have terrible stories generally, but would have been amusing ten years ago, and they have a lot of money to throw around. Old rich white guys buy weird shit too, like after they have a yacht and a mansion, they’ll spend 200 bones on a bottle of scotch, or 1000 bucks on a useless end table that really wasn’t necessary because the coffee table was right there, but it totally “ties the room together.” Old rich white guys are weird and freaking awesome, I hope to be one someday.

Also, they have hot younger wives. A lot of the time, except for the really awesome ones who married young and nailed the hottest thing on the market at the time. Which is awesome. Early investing pays dividends in the long run (read: hot kids. who doesn’t want hot kids?)

Anyway, Jay-Z is like an old rich white guy now, because he’s so stupid rich and has a hot wife. What was I actually talking about? I meant this to be a comment on the progress of hip hop culture toward the mainstream and it’s influence on the constantly shifting amalgam that is american culture, but really I just want to go on Jay-Z’s yacht. I think it’d be fun.

SIGNING OFF!

Posted by James on 31/10/2009 at 11.am

Reasons I love wearing a jumpsuit.

I’m wearing a jumpsuit right now, and it’s awesome. And I’ll tell you why.

1. College kids look at me with pity.”Oh I’m getting a college degree so I’ll never have to put one of those on. I’m never going to be working class” WRONG DBAG. You’re going to be working class, and you know why? SUB LIST

[1. Bachelors degrees dont mean shit. They're a dime a dozen. Honestly, you'll make more money getting your associates in criminal justice or whatever than you will working at brueggers waiting for your writing career to "take off" *sob*

2. You're an asshole, and no one, not one person, except maybe Paul, likes assholes]

2. NO NONSENSE. I mean, no pants, no shirt. Just SUIT. No buttons, no lining, no frilly bullshit, just pockets and canvas.

3. It’s roomy. Like 1995 roomy. Like “dot com stocks are booming and my kids are wearing jncos cause the economy is so strong and we can buy as much fabric as we fucking like” roomy. I read something about that once. Anyway, there’s room in there.

4. I know I touched on this before, but fucking POCKETS. The pockets are awesome.

Reasons I don’t like wearing a jumpsuit.

1. Sometimes, your balls can get caught on the zipper. This list would not exist except that that just happened. To me. And it sucked.

I’m a janitor for halloween, what are you, dear reader?

Posted by James on 31/10/2009 at 2.am

Why I Love Cracked.com: A Review Of Windows 7

People really hate on Cracked.com, but goddamn, those motherfuckers are REALLY funny sometimes.  For example: Take this post where Cracked.com writer Chris Bucholz attempts to buy a pirated copy of Windows 7 on eBay.  Here is what showed up:

Screen shot 2009-10-06 at 3.52.06 PM

Amazing.  He then continues to write a thousand word review discussing hardware and network configurations.  It is one of the funniest nerd/tech stories I’ve read in a LONG time.  Bravo.

LINKAGE

Posted by Carter on 06/10/2009 at 3.pm

Things To Read: Koalas

Once again Jeff Klein blows my mind in a a morning email. If I could wake up everyday to something like this, I think i’d be a less angry person.

This essay was written by an 8th grader in Pittsburgh in the spring of
2004. The assignment was to pick an enangered species, and explain why
it's important to save it. The typos and formatting are preserved from
the original.

	    Richard XXXXXXXX Draft 2

        I shouldn't do shit. I don't care about them they all
could die and it won't affect my life. I know a lot about them
but I don't need to think about them. They're just a waste of
time koalas are stupid they don't help me with shit so why
should I help them. If they all die there will be more room for
the panthers and all the other hard animals. Koalas are weak a
pit will get rid of their whole fucking family. That's why I
don't like koalas.
      Koalas have sharp claws but they are weak. They all small
and fat and they be climing trees. I hope a storm just come
while theyjust chilling up in the tree thinking they is hard and
they're will all just fall off. They just break they neck and
shit. When they fall they claws are going to fall off and they
going to be crying like some little bitches.
      Koalas aren't hard they some little bitches. They start
climbing up the tree soon as they see a deer from like 50feet
away. They stupid as hell they should put their brain in their
pouch and put the kid in they ten they're be able to think
better. They try to be in the fucking kangaroo family. They weak
as hell, talking bout they got a pouch a kangaroo so they their
cousins and shit. Kangaroo's have some big ass legs and whot do
a koala got? Some little ass legs, they tails is little and weak
as fuck kangaroo's got a big ass long tail that can kill a
fucking koala.
        If a koala goes in the water it won't be able to breathe
with its little short ass. It'd fucking drown soon aas it take
one step into the water. While they at the river trying to get
something to drink a bear could just come to him and snatch its
ass up. It doesn't know protection because they don't have
protection. What they little ass going to do? It can't scratch
him. The bear will beat his fucking ass.
     The important think about koalas is that just don't care
about tem and let them die by all the other animals in
Australia. They're not important just let nature do what it do
and kill them. Koalas do not have a place in this world there's
not enough room for all the bitches in this world. So let all
the koalas that's in the zoos and shit. Let them go and put them
back with their family. If you let them all go they won't
nothing except for that's what they was put in this world for.
        Now you know why koalas aren't important. They have
nothing to do except for sitting around in the trees. It's like
they just was like they was sent have to die. Koalas don't do
nothing to help anybody. Thre would be just one more relative of
the kangaroo that will be six feet under. Now you know why
koalas are not important because there are dumb.

Posted by Carter on 04/10/2009 at 10.am

NYT makes with the funny again

Sometimes, the New York Times OP-ED is funny. During election time they had Aaron Sorkin write one of these interchanges between Obama and ex-President Josiah Bartlett (yes he was a president, that was a documentary not a tv show…<eyes glistening, he clasps his hands and turns obsequiously toward the window, gazing at the infinite sky> please?) Anyway, now they’ve turned their creative dramaturgy on our delightfully half-blind and quarter-witted non-governor, and it makes me chuckle.

What Obama Said To Paterson, Maybe

The Sorkin Election

too many words for a reblog? maybe. colorful imagery and creative use of the word obsequious? always.

Posted by James on 23/09/2009 at 10.am

Things Not To Do: Piss Off Gawker

So, there’s some developing story nonsense to this if you want to go over to Gawker and give a shit about something that really doesn’t matter (also known as like 50% of their content {and to be fair about 80% of ours[am i using these brackets correctly? it suddenly occurs to me they might have real uses]}) but the moral of the story is that TUCKER MAX SUCKS. He was good for a cheap laugh when it was on the internet, it was good for a cheap laugh for about 10 seconds when you were stuck in Urban Outfitters with your girlfriend, it was good for a cheap laugh when I incredulously noticed a street ad for the movie. Then, I realized it was true, and my heart sank. Anyway, my own disdain for the “tucker max media empire” aside, some shit went down with gawker. Basically, gawker put the snark out on tucker and then tucker was like “oh yeah”, and that’s about where he made his most critical error.

Tucker, tucker, tucker. I don’t know if you’ve ever been there before, but gawker is a site that exists to talk some shit and relay some news while doing it. You don’t talk back. THEY WILL END YOU. But, what’s done is done, and now without further ado, I give you Ian Spiegelman destroying Tucker Max with such venom and vitriolic furor that I honestly for a second wanted to tell him to back off. Then I thought about it, laughed and kept reading.

I don’t hate you, Tucker. I think you’re a sad piece of nothing that floated along and got caught on some corner of the net when it was still impressed by college boy antics beyond giving them two minutes of Youtube time. I say your stories are fake at THE SAME TIME (wow, Tuck, caps are an effective rhetorical device!) as I say every frat boy tells those stories, because every frat boy’s stories are mostly bullshit. Most frat boys only try to sell their crap to their friends, and not for money. Even Opie and Anthony called bullshit on you. How often do they call bullshit on anyone? You know most of your stories aren’t true, and that’s part of what makes you behave like a caged-in fucking maniac.

The other reason I would hate you if you were worth the passion: You soooo clearly fucking hate and fear women, brah! My God, can you write one word about them where you’re not demeaning—literally—the shit out of them? It’s not okay with most people that a guy who sells 400,000 copies of a bad book he mostly invented should fucking hate women, should keep telling story after story about how he tricked some girl with not enough self-esteem into a place of lesser self-esteem. Why don’t you at least get creative about it?

Because you cannot. You haven’t got the mind. You are, frankly, quite stupid and dark and a misery to contemplate. If you’ve had all the sex you claim to have had—though I don’t think all the shitting and vomiting you describe actually describes any kind of actual sex—why not be philosophical about it? Why not be Henry Miller?

Why not? Because you, Tucker Max, are a thug, an unimaginative punk, and, at heart, a tiny little vapor.

As for your bet. Nick will deal with that.

As for me, before you bother googling me: I have written two novels and they did not sell much at all. If you think that’s the measure of me as writer, James Frey has sold roughly five or six times more copies than you, not including his bad novel.

In the end. We hate you because you suck. Hating you is the least cynical thing any Gawker writer ever did.

Now die.

For the full article

Tags: ,

Posted by James on 22/09/2009 at 2.pm

NICK SYLVESTER DESTROYS GIRL TALK AND I LOVE IT

HOLY SHIT.  Nick Sylvester has finally put into words what I never could.  Poigniant, hilarious, and the best piece you’ll read about current music in years.  Check it out here

Tags: , ,

Posted by Carter on 25/12/2008 at 12.am

THINGS TO READ: THE CHARTICLE MCCAIN DOESNT WANT YOU TO SEE

Thanks Gawker for showing this to the world.  Thanks again for the great one-liner “Spin this, you filthy rich basket case.”
charticle.png

Posted by Carter on 05/10/2008 at 4.pm

GOING TO HUNGARY? CHECK OUT SOME DEAD ANIMALS!

antlercastle1.jpg
Sometimes tourism leads you to places like Vajdahunyad Castle in Budapest, Hungary, where you can stroll around large rooms and look at a TON of dead things.  This is the largest wall of antlers in the world.  I don’t know if I’d be proud of that, but hey, it’s a great headline on a travel brochure in a New Jersey Turnpike rest stop.  Who want’s Roy Rogers and an STD from the toilet seat?  I LOVE RUTGERS SO MUCH.

antlercastle2.jpg

Read more at Environmental Graffiti.

Tags: , , ,

Posted by Carter on 07/07/2008 at 8.pm

← Previous | Next →