Sons Of The Internet

You know, I’m a white kid.

I know, I know. Shocking. I have been told many times that due to the roughness of my prose and truncated sentence structure that I read more like a child from the inner city. Coupled with my innate lyricism and frequent use of the lexicon of “the streets” it might be easy to confuse suburban Whitey McWhiterson over here with someone with a little more ethnic panache. Like Jay-Z for instance. Are we so different?

I would like to cite The Blueprint 3. Yes, I know, through the first two Blueprints, Jay-Z was Ragged Dick and Struggling Upward, but now, on this album, Jay-Z has revolutionized hip-hop music. He has infused it with the one thing that it never managed to achieve.

Old-Rich-WhiteGuyness.

In one of the masterpieces on the record “Off That,” Mr. Carter claims to drive a hard-top saab, own a loft in tribeca (where the median sales price currently according to Trulia.com is around 2.5M, sitting a comfortable 1.5M above the median sales price for the rest of manhattan) and own Art. THIS IS OLD WHITE GUY RICH. I love old rich white guys. They have terrible stories generally, but would have been amusing ten years ago, and they have a lot of money to throw around. Old rich white guys buy weird shit too, like after they have a yacht and a mansion, they’ll spend 200 bones on a bottle of scotch, or 1000 bucks on a useless end table that really wasn’t necessary because the coffee table was right there, but it totally “ties the room together.” Old rich white guys are weird and freaking awesome, I hope to be one someday.

Also, they have hot younger wives. A lot of the time, except for the really awesome ones who married young and nailed the hottest thing on the market at the time. Which is awesome. Early investing pays dividends in the long run (read: hot kids. who doesn’t want hot kids?)

Anyway, Jay-Z is like an old rich white guy now, because he’s so stupid rich and has a hot wife. What was I actually talking about? I meant this to be a comment on the progress of hip hop culture toward the mainstream and it’s influence on the constantly shifting amalgam that is american culture, but really I just want to go on Jay-Z’s yacht. I think it’d be fun.

SIGNING OFF!

I’m wearing a jumpsuit right now, and it’s awesome. And I’ll tell you why.

1. College kids look at me with pity.”Oh I’m getting a college degree so I’ll never have to put one of those on. I’m never going to be working class” WRONG DBAG. You’re going to be working class, and you know why? SUB LIST

[1. Bachelors degrees dont mean shit. They're a dime a dozen. Honestly, you'll make more money getting your associates in criminal justice or whatever than you will working at brueggers waiting for your writing career to "take off" *sob*

2. You're an asshole, and no one, not one person, except maybe Paul, likes assholes]

2. NO NONSENSE. I mean, no pants, no shirt. Just SUIT. No buttons, no lining, no frilly bullshit, just pockets and canvas.

3. It’s roomy. Like 1995 roomy. Like “dot com stocks are booming and my kids are wearing jncos cause the economy is so strong and we can buy as much fabric as we fucking like” roomy. I read something about that once. Anyway, there’s room in there.

4. I know I touched on this before, but fucking POCKETS. The pockets are awesome.

Reasons I don’t like wearing a jumpsuit.

1. Sometimes, your balls can get caught on the zipper. This list would not exist except that that just happened. To me. And it sucked.

I’m a janitor for halloween, what are you, dear reader?