In like 10 years this is going to be a children’s show. There will be entire episodes of renditions of Chocolate Rain and The Sneezing Panda.
Anyway, let’s kick it old school for a bit today dear reader, while I fill out a grad school application without nearly enough time to do a good job, thereby dashing my hopes of a successful future like the wine bottle that fell of my shelf last night and exploded on the floor.
First up, The David Lynch Goofy Movie. This video is so dead on it makes me want to watch the Goofy Movie again. Yeah that’s right, I’ve seen it. No you’re weird! YOU ARE!
Second up (which I had never seen before) is the Doc’s kid is a fucking perv in BTTF3. Which looks like an abbreviation for a movie called Buttfuck 3, which Paul has probably seen. Paul? Anyway, this starts off pretty innocuous and then takes a powerslide into awful when they do the slo-mo close up. God help me, it’s never going to leave me alone.
Also, this is the greatest thing YouTube has ever done for us:
Ok, so to begin with chiptune/chip-hop/anyone who still uses 8-bit anything probably has too much time on their hands….now that being said: NO ONE HELP THESE PEOPLE FIND ANOTHER HOBBY. Their presence on the internet is one of the internet curiosities I have the most love for. The rush of nostalgia, the complexity derived from such a simple thing and also THE FACT THAT IT MAKES ANYTHING SOUND LIKE THE MOST EPIC SNES GAME EVER.
I dare you to listen to Carol of the Bells and not see yourself flying in a jet while the final boss of the game transforms into a giant multi-armed insect/crab/tank/alien thing which blows you away with both TRACKING AND NON-TRACKING LASER BALLS! You know the feeling, it’s like the designers were like “oh let’s just spam the screen with reflections of your own futile existence.” Anyway after a misspent youth and a thumb callous that a dermatologist would mistake for a tumor, you beat the game. And you are treated to none other than Auld Lang Syne. As the credits roll and your character’s picture exchanges poorly translated dialogue with some other characters picture, a single tear rolls down your face. Not because you didn’t realize this game had a plot, or because you’ve finally beaten it, or even because now you have to move on with your life. But because those poorly modulated sounds, so primitively constructed and synthesized, are tugging on your heartstrings like nothing else ever has. Which is sad, cause you have a mom, and she really cares about you.
This is actually a famous story done with some really killer animation. The story of Dock Ellis pitching a no-hitter while flying off his tits on acid. I have very little else to say on the subject, though, props to The Risa who sent this my way.
You guys know about the 23 enigma? The theory that most events are related to the number 23 or related to a number that is related to the number 23? Yeah, it’s sound logic, whatever, you just don’t see it.
I was like you too, dear reader, skeptical. Until I started watching a lot of multitracking videos (remember that long post about them?) and then THIS falls into my lap and I decide there is a CONSPIRACY AT WORK!
apologies if you find Beeker annoying, he’s always been a personal favorite of mine. Maybe because my real voice sounds like his. MEEP. This is why I blog.
In light of this shocking development/realization/statement of fact, I would like to propose that we expand this delicious holiday to twice or (dare I say) THRICE a year. Let’s be honest, turkey is scrumdiddlyumptious, stuffing may actually be better than turkey, and that cranberry shit that comes in a can? Well, let’s just say it could be can-shaped cancer and I would still be smearing that shit on EVERYTHING. So, we’re all in agreement, Thanksgiving is awesome. Your family gets drunk enough to be tolerable, you eat your face off, drink too much and yell at the football game, and then comes the best part. THANKSGIVING DAY-AFTER SANDWICHES.
Holy Crap. I can’t wait for later today, and February T-giving and then June Thanksapalooza. Seriously people, the world is going to end and not even John Cusack can save us.
Sidebar: In the trailer for 2012 when they get in the plane, why doesn’t anyone pull up? To avoid certain disaster on the ground, the air is a natural choice AS LONG AS YOU FLY ABOVE SEA LEVEL. God, even Baloo new that and he was a fucking BEAR.
If you ever played Starfox…this will probably make you chuckle a bit too. Also, this game made me almost punch my cousin in the face but he was like 5 years older than me, so I didn’t.
Ok, so the autotuned science music video I posted before is part of a series. I did no follow up because I was too busy trying desperately to work in a Ghost In The Shell reference (which I did ftw). So here are the other two videos that have been released. They are both pretty good but, in my opinion (and no I will not abbreviate that), the first one is the jam. And by the jam, I mean, like if Nova tried to target an r&b demographic. Though one thing about these videos that is throwing me is that there is almost NO INFORMATION being conveyed here. I mean these videos are covering huge topics with staggering vagueness. “We are made of atoms” NO FUCKING SHIT SAGAN, get to the good stuff. Tell me about Pauli and Heisenberg doing a high five while discovering stuff about electrons. Cause that’s what I want to hear.
Second video: check out Bill Nye killin’ it with the harmony.
And to close it out today, this slow jam at #3. Peep Richard Dawkins seducing the crap out of you at 2:49
The basic purpose of these videos seems to be : “HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS, SPACE IS EFFING HUGE.”
Ok, Japan, you’ve got two ways out of this one. Either you admit that you cheated evolution by accepting help from some benevolent alien society that visited Earth preceding WWI** or you’re Robots. I mean how else could you, a relatively small island nation, actually begin to take over large sections of the globe and assert your dominance as an international pow- note to self, investigate England for signs of Robots. Anyway, do you actually expect us to believe that you went from being a pre-industrial civilization for 7 CENTURIES to being a power player on the international stage in just 60 years? Wait…. Note to self, investigate US for signs of Robots. Wait, is it possible that Commodore Perry was in fact the Mastermold and Japan was colonized by Robots at the turn of the 19th century interrobang!? Either way, Japan, who suspiciously leads the world with desire for robot servants and has an unnatural obsession with giant city-destroying robots and robot sex and pretty much all things transforming, also has NINJA WARRIOR. Ninja Warrior, in case you aren’t familiar, is a show with a lot of crazy ass obstacle courses. And it’s not like American Gladiators, there aren’t pads and cages, there’s just a pool of muddy water under this cyclone of possible sprains and dislocations. Almost no one has ever finished the final stage, it’s a goddamn joke. It’s steel mountain covered in six inches of fresh pain. Remember Paul Hamm, that American super gymnast from the olympics with the crazy high pitched voice? Yeah, watch him get wrecked here. Then who’s the guy who comes up after him? A FISHERMAN. Japan, the case against you guys being robots is not good.
Ok so we’ve got that, but at least Makoto Nagano is pretending to be human, like a good Japanese person. Now if you watch more of this video, you realize that most of the people on it are menial workers. A gas station manager, a fireman, office dude etc. These are people who comprise the bulk of society. They are the kind of jobs a superhero takes when they want to keep a low-profile. So if we’re looking at the mean physical aptitude of Japanese society, WHAT IN GODS NAME IS THE UPPER ECHELON DOING. Space research? Time travelling crime fighting? OR, plotting the robot insurrection? Now, I’m not suggesting that Japan is NECESSARILY spearheading the secret robopocalypse (pronounced ro BOP ocalypse) but otherwise, what are they doing with all that physical talent? And why don’t they have an army? Oh, the self defense force established by the post-WWII constitution? Sounds pretty suspicious to me. If I had THIS GUY on my team, I’m not sure I’d let any piece of paper dictate my ability to defend freedom wherever I wanted.
Be afraid fellow Americans, be very afraid.
**
The Setting: Japan 1894
The Players: Japan and Aliens (not Ridley Scott aliens)
Aliens: Attention People of Earth, we are here to make grant your desires and improve your world with advanced technologies, artificial intelligences and tiny keychains! We offer you, UTOPIA!
Japan: Sweet. We’ll take it.
Aliens: Now, can you point us in the direction of other human societies so that we may seed this world with our benevolence?
Japan: Uh… no actually… we’re it.
Aliens: Seriously?
Japan: Yeah, we’re all the humans.
Aliens: Why do you live on this small island?
Japan: We like to fish and…beachfront property…major plus!
Aliens: There’s a fair point. Farewell Humanity, we hope that you may see the light!
Japan: Goodbye Aliens! Ok, cool, now let’s put this stuff in a secret lab so no one knows we have it and then go invade Russia and China! Sweet deal!
UPDATE:
So upon closer inspection, and actually paying attention this time, the robot destroying the course at the end of the second video is the same fishmongering robot that humiliated Paul Hamm in the top video. Now, how could someone feasibly go from being in what appears to be peak physical condition (at 134 lbs mind you) to being THAT MUCH MORE IN PEAK PHYSICAL CONDITION? Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Robo-Fisherman MARK II. That’s right A BRAND NEW MODEL. It’s the only reasonable explanation.
To me, this is the sign we were waiting for that autotuning things that are not music has reached critical mass. Thank you Gregory Bros, thank you legion of multitrackers that can’t actually sing, and thank you T-Pain. It has been a wonderful year, but now, I think we can put this on the shelf and break it out again over Christmas 2015 with a sense of warm nostalgia. Either that or this is, like everyone has feared/speculated on, the next generation of music. All music will be increasingly esoteric and abstract forms of autotuned layered nonsense.
Well, at least it’s not trance.
Though, I have to say, this is a cut above the Autotune the News productions. There’s some real thought that went into this, and they did autotune Stephen Hawking, a man who’s only voice is ALREADY DIGITAL. Redigitizing the already artificial, even further dehumanizing it? I’m pretty sure Shirow Masamune is telling you right now that he told you so.
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