another gem from the annals of the internet. no, you pervert, not anals, annals.
i love this video. an internet classic. i’m sensing a theme for the day.
This is the theme for Tron: Legacy. That movie with the awesome ass motorcycles and ruthless exploitation of 80s nostalgia. No, not Star Trek. Tron. Yeah, Tron.
Pwned you asshole.
K: i hate facebook
K: i realized
C: its great
C: im so glad we love it together
K: i cant spend more than 2 minutes on it
K: like it legitimately gets me irritated
C: ok well when you get off your tower shouting down at the rest of us i’ll make sure that i poke you and write on your super wall
K: poke me?
C: n00b
Clearing the bar previously set by Glenn Beck talking about hip hop, Kirk Cameron is the new jump off for Unsettling Today. Honestly, it’s almost as though he was shooting to make this list, with his freaky intens-o eyes staring directly into your soul and whispering over and over again: “Sinner, everything you know is a lie” until I get a restraining order and a can of mace. Giant disembodied eyes prosthelytizing in the desert of my soul make a pretty good target for pepper spray there, Mike.
But seriously, surrealist imagery and Growing Pains references aside (the latter only temporarily), what I find most unsettling is the profound sense of indignation he has about education growing more secular in America. “61% of professors of Psychology and Biology are atheists!” Wait, seriously? Only 61%? Because I’m relatively sure that those fields involve a survey of organisms and phenomena in nature that relies on empiricism and not an almost Calvinist sense of predestination in intelligent design.
Honestly I don’t even know where to go from here. I mean the linking of Hitler to Darwin, the statement that students should be allowed to see the correct answer and then make up their mind, the way they’re trying to sell the book as a great edition of Origin Of Speices. I just can’t rail against it all, it’s too much, it’s too much crazy. See for yourself.
hit the link for an eastern european girl who agrees that you can’t have the moral high ground after your best friend is named Boner. - jump to 1:00 to get right to the blow by blow.
Sometimes, the New York Times OP-ED is funny. During election time they had Aaron Sorkin write one of these interchanges between Obama and ex-President Josiah Bartlett (yes he was a president, that was a documentary not a tv show…<eyes glistening, he clasps his hands and turns obsequiously toward the window, gazing at the infinite sky> please?) Anyway, now they’ve turned their creative dramaturgy on our delightfully half-blind and quarter-witted non-governor, and it makes me chuckle.
What Obama Said To Paterson, Maybe
too many words for a reblog? maybe. colorful imagery and creative use of the word obsequious? always.
So, there’s some developing story nonsense to this if you want to go over to Gawker and give a shit about something that really doesn’t matter (also known as like 50% of their content {and to be fair about 80% of ours[am i using these brackets correctly? it suddenly occurs to me they might have real uses]}) but the moral of the story is that TUCKER MAX SUCKS. He was good for a cheap laugh when it was on the internet, it was good for a cheap laugh for about 10 seconds when you were stuck in Urban Outfitters with your girlfriend, it was good for a cheap laugh when I incredulously noticed a street ad for the movie. Then, I realized it was true, and my heart sank. Anyway, my own disdain for the “tucker max media empire” aside, some shit went down with gawker. Basically, gawker put the snark out on tucker and then tucker was like “oh yeah”, and that’s about where he made his most critical error.
Tucker, tucker, tucker. I don’t know if you’ve ever been there before, but gawker is a site that exists to talk some shit and relay some news while doing it. You don’t talk back. THEY WILL END YOU. But, what’s done is done, and now without further ado, I give you Ian Spiegelman destroying Tucker Max with such venom and vitriolic furor that I honestly for a second wanted to tell him to back off. Then I thought about it, laughed and kept reading.
I don’t hate you, Tucker. I think you’re a sad piece of nothing that floated along and got caught on some corner of the net when it was still impressed by college boy antics beyond giving them two minutes of Youtube time. I say your stories are fake at THE SAME TIME (wow, Tuck, caps are an effective rhetorical device!) as I say every frat boy tells those stories, because every frat boy’s stories are mostly bullshit. Most frat boys only try to sell their crap to their friends, and not for money. Even Opie and Anthony called bullshit on you. How often do they call bullshit on anyone? You know most of your stories aren’t true, and that’s part of what makes you behave like a caged-in fucking maniac.
The other reason I would hate you if you were worth the passion: You soooo clearly fucking hate and fear women, brah! My God, can you write one word about them where you’re not demeaning—literally—the shit out of them? It’s not okay with most people that a guy who sells 400,000 copies of a bad book he mostly invented should fucking hate women, should keep telling story after story about how he tricked some girl with not enough self-esteem into a place of lesser self-esteem. Why don’t you at least get creative about it?
Because you cannot. You haven’t got the mind. You are, frankly, quite stupid and dark and a misery to contemplate. If you’ve had all the sex you claim to have had—though I don’t think all the shitting and vomiting you describe actually describes any kind of actual sex—why not be philosophical about it? Why not be Henry Miller?
Why not? Because you, Tucker Max, are a thug, an unimaginative punk, and, at heart, a tiny little vapor.
As for your bet. Nick will deal with that.
As for me, before you bother googling me: I have written two novels and they did not sell much at all. If you think that’s the measure of me as writer, James Frey has sold roughly five or six times more copies than you, not including his bad novel.
In the end. We hate you because you suck. Hating you is the least cynical thing any Gawker writer ever did.
Now die.
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