JESUS. You know you watch ice skating and it’s like wow, I wonder what would happen if this went horribly horribly wrong? And then you watch this video, and you never want to watch ice skating again.
Moral of the story: ICE IS HARD ON YOUR FACE PARTS. URGGGH.
- DRUNKMALLARD is tall
- DRUNKMALLARD is probably blonde
- DRUNKMALLARD is sitting right now
- DRUNKMALLARD is not a vegetarian
- DRUNKMALLARD is a sharer
- DRUNKMALLARD is interested in what you’re saying
- DRUNKMALLARD is crazy, for you
- DRUNKMALLARD is most famous for openly condemning the Philippines
- DRUNKMALLARD is not a coward
- DRUNKMALLARD is wondering if you need proof of the above, bitch
- DRUNKMALLARD is caring
- DRUNKMALLARD is wholesome, on alternate thursdays, odd months
- DRUNKMALLARD is into you
- DRUNKMALLARD is not afraid of what you’re afraid of
- DRUNKMALLARD is dangerous
- DRUNKMALLARD is looking for love in all the wrong places, somewhat expectedly
- DRUNKMALLARD is not a druck (a drunk duck)
- DRUNKMALLARD is riiiiiiiiiiiight behind you
- DRUNKMALLARD is going to tell you about his trip to the islands
- DRUNKMALLARD is a fighter pilot
- DRUNKMALLARD is a man who holds no allegiances
- DRUNKMALLARD is waiting
- DRUNKMALLARD is the one who just rickroll’d you
- DRUNKMALLARD is hosting a seminar in your office this friday, you should come
- DRUNKMALLARD is infinity
- DRUNKMALLARD thanks you.
Get punched in the stomach by this guy:
Or watch Big Band Theory without the laugh track:
I’m going to go with punched in the stomach. You know what, even with the laugh track I’m going to go with punched in the stomach. Big Bang Theory is offensive, pretty much all the time. It’s offensive to everyone who decided not to spend most of their life being average. It’s also offensive to people who like television. It’s a bad show. I will say it again for emphasis: IT’S A BAD SHOW.
I think I might be in the minority opinion on this, but something about it seriously gets under my skin. I think this video without the laugh track illustrates why.
push the vermin's go switch to accessorize the viewbox with the drawingtown
I had to add a new category for stuff like this. Things that are so ill-conceived they boggle the mind at the thought. Then someone goes ahead and does them, and in either a stunning display of either karmic cash-out or a flagrant violation of murphy’s law, they manage to execute with no injury or loss of life.
Like this fucking asshole.
You think you’re so cool, don’t you. Well you kind of are. But what kind of staggering lapse in judgment gave you the idea to start doing this? I mean, I can imagine jumping out of a plane. I actually think it would be totally rad, but that dear reader IS WHERE I STOP TEMPTING THE FATES. I mean, you are already entering into a pretty tenuous compact with the law of gravity there, do you really want to push the envelope? Do you really need to make pot roast in midair, just because you can? I would wait. Pot roast, good pot roast anyway, takes a good long time. Just ask my grandmother, who has forgotten about a pot roast as many times as she’s made it. Two days later, that shit is TENDER. Anyway, you get what I’m saying. Cool it bro, for your friends and family.
This has been a SOTI PSA
SOTIPSA sounds like a club-rap single. Just saying.
This is the gist of a conversation I had earlier
Carter: Get this album
James: I like Ke$ha right now.
Carter shoots James in the leg, takes his cell phone, holds it out of reach with 911 ready to be dialed
James: Where did you get that gun?
Carter shoots James again. In the same leg.
James: Oh fuck come on. Fine fine, call the ambulance.
Carter and James listen to the album while waiting for the paramedics
James: Wow, this is pretty fucking good.
Carter: Told you.
Pity me oh pity me dear reader. Not just because I have had Ke$ha’s “Tick Tock” stuck in my head for the last 3 days, though that is reason enough. That damn synth sound…so infectious. Anyway, don’t pity me for that, however deserving it may be. Don’t pity me because I just ran out of Coffee Bean Vanilla Iced Coffee (read: crack cocaine) and am stuck in the San Fernando Valley with no car and no means to procure more caffeinated deliciousness. No, don’t pity me for that, however pitiful it may be. Don’t pity me because I just spent the better part of an hour trying, to no avail, to find an embeddable version of David Bowie’s “Ashes to Ashes” video because it’s fucking hilarious and amazing. Pity me because not only are all of these things true, but I won’t ever be able to experience the first time I heard this song, late at night, coming over the top of the hill dividing Los Angeles proper from the Valley, the irony* of listening to a song about Brooklyn on the left coast not lost. Sigh**.
So enjoy, I sure did.
*Irony like the alanis morisette song. So, not irony at all, actually. Just semi-notable passing coincidence.
**Yes I am prone to over-sentimentalizing moments. Fuck you if you’re not. Your memoir is going to be fucking boring and I won’t read it.
Comrade 1: I have a great idea.
Comrade 2: Is it to go up to the roof and jump off?
Comrade 1: Actually, yes.
Comrade 2: Fuck yeah. I’ll get my boots.
I can’t decide if this is the reason we won the cold war, or the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.
This is amazing. Thank you barn. Thank you so much.
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